r e l e a s e

i don’t quite know how to release all these emotions and tensions… 

is it even worth counting? i am not so sure either… but it has been some months now, and i am still struggling. fighting, striving, hanging here… 

i have cried and shed many tears… usually out of the blue, in front of the only man i’ve shown my darkest, weakest being… usually triggered by something so small, so trivial… and then it just burst into a big emotional cry-out, sobbing my chest out, eyes puffed out and yet the tears still wouldn’t stopped. 

why am i so confused? 

do i want more money? what kind of life and work do i want to do? what kind of fight do i want to fight every day of my life? what kind of dreams do i want to achieve? 

it’s all still in the air, but recently i’ve got an opportunity to do the work that i did previously and i was passionate about it. the job was fulfilling and rewarding… it gives me plenty of meaning and enrichment, and understanding about life… because i see so much truth; the real raw truth, in end-of-life situations… 

anyway, so this work presented itself with better pay than i’ve asked for. it’s a sole position, but at a small facility… i’ve still yet to be offered the job, but i find myself thinking… mulling… obsessing… 

” is this what you want? you asked for it, you set yourself a limit, your limit… now the opportunity presents itself… it sounds like a great one, but is this it? are you gonna take it? is this what you wanted? ” 

 

the last few days, i’ve been feeling such intense anger and frustration… with myself, with faith, with God and the Universe… I know it’s wrong, but it’s only human to blame and have all these feelings, i think…

i feel so frustratingly angry that, whatever is out there, the Universe, the Higher Being… He, God… is not making it easy. in the end, i have to make the choices myself, i have to choose, i have to try and experience… and in the end, there is no knowing but to act and see it to the end… see where this trail will take me. 

but where?

but how?

should i? 

 

why can’t it just be so easy? so clear? 

 

 

sigh. 

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One thought on “r e l e a s e

  1. *HUG* — Thought you might need an e-hug =). You’re not alone in the feelings and worries you have. Find a quiet place with no distraction. I want you to take deep breaths until your mind and body are relaxed. Then I want you to envision how you want your life to be as if it is already like that. I want you to pay attention to what you see, hear, smell, feel, and taste — use all of your senses in your mind’s vision. I want you to keep doing this for the next few weeks each day. I especially want you to tell yourself positive affirmations in the present tense. For example: “I am successful,” “I’m confident, talented, and capable,” “I overcome my challenges,” “I believe and trust in myself to make the right choices,” “I grow and learn from my experiences — good or bad.” Say one or more of these affirmations everyday, 5 times, for 54 days. You will start seeing a change. Take advantage of every potential good opportunity. If it works out, then great; if it doesn’t work out, then be fine with that and move forward. At least you can say you tried. Know that you’re going to be okay =).

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