One year long hiatus from writing down my thoughts, my inner prophecy and especially my darkest devils.
Actually, perhaps the hiatus has started longer than a year… ever since Xanga started going down and we all had to migrate somewhere while they were doing new updates. I moved here, but never found quite the same community of avid readers and writers whose writing are inspiring and motivational.
I miss that. I really do. Often I caught myself thinking about… wondering about, all the Xanga friends and characters that have touched my life… and how significantly positive their influence are in my life… even though, it is only through the cyber world.
I could not begin to pinpoint, when I started to tumble down into the darkness… and slowly stopped believing in the miracle that is Life. It felt like, my soul has taken a long long sleep; a hibernation in the cold dark place… I feel numb.
All I see, hear and feel around me is injustice…
“oh how unfair… what is in it for me? how is that possible for them to get that, when i do more…when i GIVE more??? that is bullshit!!? this IS bullshit! fuck! fuck this shit!”
oh ya, some very colourful and negative words come out of my head in the last 18 months or so… perhaps longer. it is no longer just fear, and doubt. But Anger paid me a visit…
I wonder if it is caused by a burnt-out from working in a very emotionally-demanding workplace and seeing not only so many deaths… but departing with so many lovely souls and realizing other sickening, bitterness and suffering in life that just… seem to really pick you out of random chances.
No one is truly keeping count on how much good you have done in your life. Good people all over the world suffer very badly too… and often it is the bad people that get away with so much more.
So, I suppose… that is how this tumbling fall to the gutter started eh?
Because, I mean… as this is the reality that I see around me… why would I have to suffer and sacrifice to do good, when in the end… the bad people win more?
Of course, even until now, I have yet to crack a wicked answer to this question…
But gladly, I can feel my soul slowly rising up… slowly feeling Her presence; Her glow inside of me.
Nothing is easy.
Nothing worthy comes without suffering and sacrifices. Life is a freaking long battle with your inner devils, trying to defeat the negative seeds they planted in your head telling you to quit believing that it is not worth it to start putting meaning into your life, your actions.
Meaningful life comes from being at peace with yourself, with your soul… because only then are you able to show and manifest to the world, who you truly are… and this manifestation is what makes your life fulfilling. NOT by completing or ticking boxes from a list of materialistic achievements the society demands.
At last… with this epiphany, I could slowly move towards lightness and peace.
That is the goal for 2015.
Lightness and peace, with a fierce glow and warm of fire within me.
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself. ” – Rumi