p r e s e n t

Never take anything for granted, for tomorrow might never come for you.

Never take life for granted, for tomorrow…

the life as you know it now,

might not be anymore…


I thought I had became accustomed to living life day by day…

This morning I woke up, feeling okay… which is really good, when it comes to Lupus. Just a slight body ache, not as bad as some mornings. I stayed in bed reading, knowing that I will have a big night tonight… something I have looked forward to for a few weeks now. J has became a new friend of mine, since I started hanging out with her at work and opening to her about random stuff….. It was her birthday on Thursday, and tonight was her party.

I took the morning slow. By the afternoon, my sister invited me to go to the local factory outlet for some retail therapy. I quickly took up her invite and got ready.

In the middle of shopping, I suddenly felt dizzy and light headed… and that feverish feeling I always get whenever I felt unwell. And then, the fatigue becomes a lot more overwhelming. I panicked inside, but tried to keep it calm because my mom was there and she still does not know much about the effects of my illness.

I took Panadol quickly and it was not long until I felt slightly better; more human again. I stopped shopping and just be present, trying to use any energy I have left to walk to the car.

Thankfully my brother in law was very nice and kindly dropped me off home first, before they proceeded to take my mom for grocery shopping…

At home, I took some bite to eat, drank lots of water, and tried to lie down…. hoping that, in the mere one and half hour I have left before I needed to get ready… I will feel better.

I didn’t.

I had to make the call to J, telling her that I was sorry I couldn’t make it.

I really am.

I am gutted.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to go for drink and dance after the dinner. That would just be asking for trouble.

But lying in bed, resting, I imagined if I could drive all the way to the city and have dinner and then drive back home (plus dropping of one of our other friends to her home…)… but even the thought of driving to the city drained the rest of the energy I have left… I didn’t think I could survive the night playing… as much as I want to… as much as, I have imagined I would be having fun.

It’s no longer living day by day.

It is now living moment to moment.

I don’t know how I would adapt to this.

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