My obsession with T has nearly reached my breaking point… It seems no matter how hard I try to distract myself… his thoughts will end up coming back and haunting me… at times with a lot more intense longing.
I feel that the only way out is to truly get it out in the open and get hurt. That way my mind would give up on obsessing over the possibility,,, because there will be no possibility, when he rejected me straight, in reality.
But, I am also torn. Because, I wanted to do it right away…. as I can’t stand this situation anymore…it’s all in my head, and it frustrates me. But I don’t want things to get extremely awkward at work… since he’s finishing off his training real soon. Just two months away, at the end of January 2017. I feel that I need to wait til then…. that way, he can honestly be free and respond to me without any hesitation that things might jeopardise his training/face/status…..
I don’t even know why I am thinking this way…
I don’t even know why him. Everything is so strange, so different… I never expected to feel this way towards someone like him… just because I normally don’t have a crush on someone with his physical features or personality. Heck, I never expect to feel this way only after months of breaking up from a long term relationship. It is just not who I am…………
Also, it’s not like anything special has happened that could make me cling to an obsession of T. Infact, nothing has really happened and that in itself should be enough clues for my heart and my mind to stop yearning for the possibilities….. But obviously, they don’t work the way I command them to do, do they??! Not even the sight of a pretty blonde woman next to him a few weeks ago….. It has bruised my ego. But now it’s returning for a challenge….. saying;
“who says you’re not lovable? who says you’ve got no chance with him?? why wouldn’t you think that he would be interested in you too??”
You see. I know I am lovable. I know that if he is any decent man, once he gets to know me, he would think of me well. But, he might not be attracted to me or interested in developing a relationship with me… Truth is, even now he probably already think of me as lovely. I do not wish for my selfworth to be defined by the acceptance of a man that I once adore. I want to create and deepen that selfworth myself… to the point where it is somewhat unshakeable (of course, I would expect a few crises during my lifetime. I am not a superwoman.)
You know… I want to be grounded. Planted and deeply rooted in my being, with the Spirit pulsing and flowing through me. That would be ecstatic.
Well, I do want to get over the fear of getting to know men. He could be a start, if he is willing. Something about him intrigued me, otherwise, why would he hold my interest for so long?
But if he is unavailable, then, at least I tried… and hopefully, slowly, sort of, conquered my fear and distrust of men.