So, for two weeks now, I have had more interactions with T than before. It started again from when I decided to send him an email about my pop-up thoughts. It was a one-liner. But it popped up in my head and I thought about him, so I sent the email. I could even still remember myself closing my eyes so tightly when I pressed that Send button…. because I was so scared of all the stigma and what-ifs scenarios that my mind was creating….. But I closed my eyes and hit the Send button quickly; there’s no turning back… I would follow all desires and see it through to where it will lead me.
Surprisingly there was a calmness that arrive after I made this decision.
At this time, I was at peace. I knew there was no way he would’ve need to reply to this message… so, there was no anticipation of what’s to come…. it was as if, I just sent my thoughts to the ether…
But, lo’ and behold…. I received a reply from him. Which ended up being a few back-and-forth email threads…
And then again, this week, Lou was away and I seek that opportunity to help, wanting some sort of interaction with him… there was an intention there, an actively seeking behaviour that lead me to him… I would not lie about this.
I got to speak to him a few times on the phone. It was professional, it was casual. Nothing special happened. But he thanked me and appreciated my assistance.
I think I knew he doesn’t have the same interest as me. Otherwise, maybe more flirtatiousness might be had. Yet now, I am two steps backward….. wanting and yearning and anticipating for his replies and communications again. I want to let this go…. please….
J told me this is what she called self-sabotaging…. that I am making reasons and decisions in my head that brought me down because that’s the kind of outcome that I feel secure for…. being made small and unwanted is what my ego is used to… but once again, it’s all in my head.
Deep down I knew, though that, it’s not going to go anywhere… Well, that’s what I think….
See how this works??
But, I still have not let go of that idea of finally asking him out and just find out for once and for sure, the real truth. Then, reality answers… Not the thoughts in my head. As much as I want to let go of this desire,,, I have not been able to do so.
Here is to preparing for an upcoming heartache.