Crown of Thorns

I strangely had a really good energy today. I feel strong despite my left foot aching, resulting in limping and trouble walking….. I ended up taking voltaren tablet just to get me through the day. But it always give me a false sense of relief because the tenderness and tightness travelled through my thigh… It’s still very sore and painful now… Even after a hot epsom salt foot bath. 

I received a phone call from Dr. B. He called to thank me and said that he appreciated my sincerity and my thoughtfulness written in the card that I send to him and his family. He said that he found people who have gone through the same thing that he did, speak differently. He said my words touched him. I was speechless. 
The conversation was just alright, it wasn’t awkward but at the end of the day, looking back, there were better things I could’ve said to him on the phone. 
But, I realized that real life will never be like the movies or stories in the book… Where each conversation and interaction can be edited and manipulated to create the best possible atmosphere and outcome. 

In real life, everything is messy… 

Even the most calculated and thought-out plans will need adjusting and never turn out as it seems when we thought of it in our head. 
His phone call this morning was a surprise. I didn’t expected it at all. And strangely, I was the one who picked up the phone as well. He called through the main switch number of our department, in which everybody can pick up.
I have experienced some profound grief and loss this year… But I still could not imagine how devastating it must be to lose an innocent life; the purest, unborn sweet little miracle….. I hope things get more bearable for him and his family. 

On the case of my crown of thorns… Today is once again, Mr. T…. I want him out of my head. A few times today, I came across a few things and was motivated to email him… But, I hold back this time. I am not sure why he has become an obsession………. It’s not like he has responded positively, so why don’t I stop??? It really boggles me. 
A part of me wish that time can just fast forward to that last 2 weeks of his rotation, so I can just send the email out and daringly ask the question. I am sure then I would be put out of my misery. I will be hurt and disappointed, but I will be well aware of the real situation… No more living in my head. 
But life has been really busy for me right now. I’ve got a few projects running together…. Some are quite big and would require my tremendous effort and meticulous organization skills so I won’t fall behind. So… I really don’t need for time to fast forward any faster. I need all the time I can get. 

Help me.

Give me strength. 

I draw my strength from within You.

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