Heart Matters 

I have been reflecting a lot in the last few days.
I can’t believe it has came to the end of the year… How much things has changed… All the events and challenges that I have gone through this year… The break-up, the guilt-trip, the acceptance, the getting back-up and strengthening moments, the new friends, the spiritual and emotional roller coasters, the crush… and flirt with Dr. T, the solo trip to Cairns, the loss of a good friend, the improvement in health,the loss of a great soul and role model,the courage to step up/speak up/reach out for all the things that I wanted to say and do… All the desires followed….. The dancing… Dancing like nobody was watching. The next step forward; commit to more studies…

 
I’ve been checking on E every now and then throughout the year. He has kept a very chirpy and cheery attitude whenever he replied to my messages. I am just glad that he is safe and alive. I didn’t want him to hurt himself. I hope he wasn’t lying when he say that he’s alright. We are on speaking terms now. And his mom has actually took my mom out on a few occasions that she was here too… which amazed me because I thought she was going to hate me because I break things up with her son.

 

Anyway… It has been a very long roller coaster ride this year. It has been Manic and Exhausting at times….. But I am still here. I am still standing Goddamnit!!! How strong we are… Thank You for blessing me with more gifts than miseries….. I am lucky.

 
Dr.T has circled my mind again a few times… But this time, its a different feeling… I am influenced by the comments made about him by my colleagues… That he is a very intelligent person and yet very controlling and borderline OCD and would go miles to get things done his way… And then, the other day, we had a little discussion about doctor’s lives and marriages and it made me think about my crush and love interest in him…. I have diminished desire in the last two weeks, the feeling is changing… But I am still not quite sure whether I will still want to send that invitation in January…. It’s only 2 weeks away so, let’s see what unfolds. Probably, just as predicted, some heartache.

 
Truly, though, more than ever now, I really am intrigued to know his personality. I don’t think he is what I picture he could be… I don’t think I really want to get involved with him romantically… But I still really really want to see if I could get to know him? His life, his dreams, his personality… Would he give me a chance? Maybe, the reason why I became attracted to him, is because, subconciously, I need to learn some of his qualities…. his confidence and drive in doing things that he wants done. Not all of them he did gracefully…. but he did it. I need some of that, but also a better version of it.

 

Maybe that’s it, eh?

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