This was summer night at the beach mid December last year.
I took this photograph to commemorate the end of the year and my Well-Being. I am filled with profound gratitude for my body and soul to have made it for another year.
I have became stronger. I am still on chemotherapy medication and a whole other medicinal cocktail… but the doses are slowly coming down as I am slowly gaining my energy back. As my body starts to work more and more towards harmony.
I am on a bigger mission this year. I am scared shitless but I try not to dwell in that. The past 20 months are solid proof that I am; body, soul and spirit, STRONGER than I have ever thought I am…. The excruciating sorrow and deep darkness that often felt like they suddenly came out of nowhere, halted my journey; stopped me in my tracks,,, even when these sufferings were bigger and darker than I could ever imagine, I AM STILL HERE. STANDING. I am ALIVE.
With each triumph that I have experienced, it is as if I am slowly peeling all the layers upon layers of facades that I have built all around me… with each triumph, I feel a lot lighter,,, a lot more Whole. A lot more…… me.
Don’t get me wrong. I am no Warrior, each day I am still fighting the darkness. But that light and fire within, I can feel it more and more… Sometimes I can even feel this warmness welling up from the centre of my chest,,, my soul beaming. It’s rare, but it happens now and then,,, and I love that feeling.
I am trying to break all the ideas and projections that my ego,,, my mind, has always try to tell me.
And for that reason, I try to follow every desire even when it scares the shit out of my soul. Even when my ego keeps judging me and telling me that I am worthless… insignificant… in comparison to those around me who has accomplished so much materialistically and socially. I forge forward and do what moves my spirit…. when I see things that gives me goosebumps, when I talk to someone and my heart beats faster or it starts to give me a little nudge of warmth… then I talk more and do bolder things that I’ve not done before….. even when the voice in my head keeps saying;
Look at you, honey… now you’re just embarrassing yourself.
What would they be thinking about you? A suck-up. A pretentious girl. A flirt. A failure. A Coward.
Just stop will you? Stop doing that and go back to what you’re used to… go back to letting go and thinking you won’t succeed and that no one cares about what you’ve got to say…Go back to obedience. To conforming and pleasing others. Go back and just be silent. Go home. Do nothing that you want to do. You don’t deserve it. You won’t be getting any rewards even when you try….
Even when the stupid radio in my head keeps playing this goddamn self-bashing tunes,,,,, I still do the opposite.
And when someone or something try to push me to do something that angers me,,, I have now learnt to say the magic word; No.
I hope I can keep doing this. It feels good to start becoming yourself… I really want to know how it feels like to be free. To really be Me.