Fuck, it hurts…

Work has been insanely busy for me for the last 3 weeks. I am hoping that things will settle a little bit next week.

This week marked the end of a rotation. New training registrars will be starting from next week onwards.

There were a lot of goodbyes. Some of my favourite people are moving on elsewhere, overseas or interstate. I went to their farewell party after work yesterday. It was awkward for me. Too much social interactions and pressure for the introvert in me… but I made myself go. It was fine. The doctors bunched up together, so were the nurses and other staff members. Halfway through they tried to mingle, so I chatted a bit here and there with the different doctors. This introvert is in training to gain more social skills!!

Actually, I wasn’t the only awkward one there. And the fact that people do stick with their own comfortable group just means everyone has their own anxieties about crossing boundaries into different social circles.

I couldn’t hold my alcohol since I started on my lupus medications… I tried again last night, but after 3 sips of cider, I felt light headed already and started feeling warm… I had to drive back home alone after, so I decided to drink water for the rest of the night….

So,,, news about T is, I guess…

Au revoir mon amie…

I actually had met him briefly last week on my way out of work. But I had a destination in my mind, I was pacing quickly, had my headphones on, I was furious at my boss actually… and needed to walked out the emotions. So, we just acknowledged each other; I said a quick Hi and walked out. That was the last meeting…

I wanted to sort out all the surgical appointments for next week before Lou comes back to work, so the last two weeks, I have tried to ask T a few troubleshooting questions… which I did try again yesterday… It was his last day, I called him in the morning to ask if he has came to visit because the books were scattered, he said no. He sounded quite stressed out on the phone… and said he has been really busy so didn’t even get a chance to check the cases I’ve emailed him. Then asked me to just book any of the cases and he’d check it later.

I was struggling to pick a case for that list, but I managed to book one.

So, at the end of the day, I sent him a email.

He hasn’t replied my personal email in regards to our coffee catch-up since last time. His last email said he’ll get back to me about it.

I felt that it was my last chance to send him the email… so, anyway, I said what I wanted to say briefly at the end of the email.

I thanked him for the funny moments and wished him all the very best for the future. I did remind him about the catch-up; if he is still interested to let me know.

It hurts to finally say goodbye. I almost didn’t want to send the email out. I went on to do something else… but then I realize, there is nothing else I can do at this point… but SENT.

It was a bittersweet moment intrinsically and intuitively. I know my heart was disappointed, but at the same time, my soul was assuring me that it’s all fine. I’ve been through worse.

Don’t surrender your loneliness so quickly,

Let it cut more deep.

Let it ferment and season you as few human or even divine ingredients can.

Something missing in my heart tonight has made my eyes so soft, my voice so tender,

my need of God absolutely clear.

– Hafiz.


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