really?

Suddenly my thoughts wander to seeing him smiling at me.

I don’t even remember the colour of his eyes…

Was it gray?

Was it light green?

I can’t be sure.

But I remember the way he smiles, with his whole jaw… and his wide lips… and then his eyes.

I don’t know why she reminded me so much of him…

The way she smiles reminded me of him…

And today when she came to visit and sat on the doctor’s desk next to me… and she was friendly to greet me and we had small talks… she mentioned about the exams that were taken last week…

And immediately a voice whispered to me;

See, so he’s still got exams. Maybe there’s still chance that I could hear back from him?

I was mortified, I felt weak and stupid hearing this thought… I mean, really? I mean… why, after all these times, does my desire continues to lean towards him? Doesn’t it get the message that it’s time to move on? The ship has sailed…

I am tired of feeling this way… of liking someone and then feeling disappointed and hurt and shameful that it didn’t work out the way I wanted to… and then it seems, I will just repeat the same cycle.

Is this truth?

What is truth? Do I like him still? Do I still wish he would at least say something? Am I silly for giving a go and made a fool of myself?

I am like that puppy… that is trapped on the other side of the fence… looking longingly and wishfully at something it cannot reach, yet it wants to know so badly.

Is this how it would be?

Will the wheel stops for me?

Or will I be forever spinning?

 

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