Autumn once again…

Hollow;
the sound of her heart…
numb, dark, full of sorrow

Fists clenched
Body shaken
as she sobs and sobs
Forehead on the floor

Curse,,,
Never before would she say all those words with such convictions
This time, it seems only the most offensive words would ease some of the pain she’s held inside

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
FUCKING HELL.
NO…
She wasn’t cursing God.
She was cursing the agony of grief…
The agony of mourning

It is Hell, alright.
The autumn wind hits her face as she steps out
Bone aching cold air seeps through her layers of clothes
Her body heat dissipates, her warmth no more
Menacing grey clouds gather together, getting ready for a storm

They too will shed their tears

Brown sycamore leaf performs it’s last dance as early autumn dusk sets in
The Fall’s dance…
The leaf, like a stretched out hand twirling helplessly in the wind
lands on a puddle of rain
For one second, it sees the last reflection of itself in the water
lifeless, spent
There in the pool of water, it will rot and decay
Feeding the earth
All that it has left
Giving away til the last fragment of the leaf blade turn into dust

Magic dust in the fertile soil
That might one day
Ignite that light in her heart once more
Allowing her to see,
to remember,
All that was lost is still there
Spirit is always there
Even when she can no longer see the flesh or feel the embrace,
She can feel the light illuminating from within, holding her close…
Holding her right next to love, tenderness and grace
Even when there is no more flesh
She is held, alright.
She is held in the light, she is never let go.

In memory of Norm… Friday 21st April. Rest in bliss and peace.

No amount of proper goodbyes would be enough… but i am glad that we had a proper one, even though I was oblivious it would be the last goodbye.

broken window

The tall mole guard crept up behind floppy-eared bunny and accused her;
“You’ve broken the stained glass window of our precious blue cart…who knows how many eggs were stolen!” 
Petrified, bunny tried to defend herself.
By this time, there is a commotion surrounding her. They gathered around the rental cart, showing her how devastating the damage was and how much this will cost her.
Exhausted and filled with fear, she knew the window was not broken when she came a few days ago to rent the cart.
But really, the broken window was not her fault.
She had returned to the parked cart after picking up more supplies at the Parisienne Chocolatier, when she found that someone had maliciously broke the window and stole the last of her speckled Easter egg, costing her at least four baskets of purple carrots!
This whole ordeal destroyed bunny.
She has lost so much.
All her energy spent, her body limp and she began to sob…
“ Why has a stream of bad luck followed me? “ she asked.
Feeling helpless, she found herself whispering a prayer…a plead…as she looked up the cloudy morning sky.
“ So… Show me how You would resolve this? “
The truth is that it wasn’t her fault and yet she is also not in any position to defend herself because all evidence are pointing at her; the damage was done while the cart was under her care.
They let her cry in the corner while the man owner of the Carrot Cart Rental was called to judge the situation.
As she waited and sobbed, she heard a different voice, a benevolent one:
“ Your only chance is the mercy and generosity of a human being… “
The human owner arrived to assess the damage of his cart.
The cart was quite precious; the stained glass windows were intricately designed by the local artist, there is no other cart like it in town. But the actual cart itself is worn and old fashion. The wheels wobble and creak with each turn.. this cart has already had its glory. It is now time to purchase a new model for the business.
The man turned to bunny…
Go home. Forget about this. Don’t worry about the cart. You can go.
       Mercy; when compassion touches a wise man’s heart.
With tears still streaming down her face, bunny bowed to the man owner, too speechless to thank him. As she slowly walked her path home, she felt a ray of light illuminating a tiny corner at the center of her chest – grace.

vessel, prayer

i am your vessel, my Beloved.

use me.

put your wisdom, clarity and abundance of love and light through me

so that they know that i’ve known you now

and i won’t be afraid.

 

because i know you will use me as your vessel…

because i know you will use me as your messenger…

and i will carry your delightful prayers and praise,

for all to hear,

 

so everyone hear…

Love, Love, Love.

 

i am Your vessel.

use me.

when ego puts into shame

Last night I caught up with one of my girlfriends… for reasons unknown to me, she ended up paying for both my dinner and dessert.

I’m not quite sure why she has done such a kind gesture. I am quite amazed by what has been happening in my life at the moment.

This month I have been stretched thinly in the finance department from having to pay my car registration and then car insurance, and then our family holiday to South Korea in May, my fundraising project and my writing course at the end of the month. All within 2 weeks apart.

This week there have been 2 etsy orders on my etsy shop, and then this surprise coming from my closest friend, S.

Is this what people say when they talk about how the universe will go around and try to bring you solutions whenever you share your intentions to the world?

 

On another note, after a few repeated questions on what’s been going on with my life… I was about to share T’s story. But opted otherwise,,, instead, I mentioned about a man who has been kind to me at work.

I told her,,,

“Well, there is this doc at work who has been delivering the consent right on my desk twice now… I found that to be quite odd. I mean why would he?”

Without any hesitation though, this pondering question of mine must have triggered something in her that she immediately asked how he looked like… implying whether I might see him as a potential love interest.

I told her that he looks of Asian descent and is very young, but I am really trying to get away from the Asian men at this moment because of my past relationship.

She then immediately asked for his name and quickly typed Search on Facebook and voilà~~~ she quickly showed me the first picture of this man smiling ear to ear in front of a belly of an almost expecting young mother. A very sweet picture as they both look very happy.

When she showed me this, I said:

“And yes,,, he is married too. ”

She continued clicking away on his facebook page while I kept on playing with my dessert… then said “Well, looks like this one is in a relationship.” before proceeded to put away her iPhone.

I don’t quite know why, but I was really bothered and bruised by her response and gesture. That she implied what my ego keeps on asking me; whether this man might have been doing this secondary to his interest in me…..

It was so wrong, of course.

My ego was at fault. And therefore, severely bruised and embarrassed.

His kind gesture was pure, kind and friendly.

For me to have receive this from a stranger, I must be grateful and proud. Proud because for one reason or another, he must have felt a connection with my work ethics that he really doesn’t mind going the extra mile; when he can, to give me the consent form….. as a few times it was missing…

So, yes, my dear ego… I do know what you wished for. Unfortunately, the truth is much much greater than that.

The truth is that the kind gestures are abundant. Kind gestures reflect love; love in the purest form, devoid of romance.

Be proud, my dear.

 

 

Work has been insanely busy for me for the last 3 weeks. I am hoping that things will settle a little bit next week.

This week marked the end of a rotation. New training registrars will be starting from next week onwards.

There were a lot of goodbyes. Some of my favourite people are moving on elsewhere, overseas or interstate. I went to their farewell party after work yesterday. It was awkward for me. Too much social interactions and pressure for the introvert in me… but I made myself go. It was fine. The doctors bunched up together, so were the nurses and other staff members. Halfway through they tried to mingle, so I chatted a bit here and there with the different doctors. This introvert is in training to gain more social skills!!

Actually, I wasn’t the only awkward one there. And the fact that people do stick with their own comfortable group just means everyone has their own anxieties about crossing boundaries into different social circles.

I couldn’t hold my alcohol since I started on my lupus medications… I tried again last night, but after 3 sips of cider, I felt light headed already and started feeling warm… I had to drive back home alone after, so I decided to drink water for the rest of the night….

So,,, news about T is, I guess…

Au revoir mon amie…

I actually had met him briefly last week on my way out of work. But I had a destination in my mind, I was pacing quickly, had my headphones on, I was furious at my boss actually… and needed to walked out the emotions. So, we just acknowledged each other; I said a quick Hi and walked out. That was the last meeting…

I wanted to sort out all the surgical appointments for next week before Lou comes back to work, so the last two weeks, I have tried to ask T a few troubleshooting questions… which I did try again yesterday… It was his last day, I called him in the morning to ask if he has came to visit because the books were scattered, he said no. He sounded quite stressed out on the phone… and said he has been really busy so didn’t even get a chance to check the cases I’ve emailed him. Then asked me to just book any of the cases and he’d check it later.

I was struggling to pick a case for that list, but I managed to book one.

So, at the end of the day, I sent him a email.

He hasn’t replied my personal email in regards to our coffee catch-up since last time. His last email said he’ll get back to me about it.

I felt that it was my last chance to send him the email… so, anyway, I said what I wanted to say briefly at the end of the email.

I thanked him for the funny moments and wished him all the very best for the future. I did remind him about the catch-up; if he is still interested to let me know.

It hurts to finally say goodbye. I almost didn’t want to send the email out. I went on to do something else… but then I realize, there is nothing else I can do at this point… but SENT.

It was a bittersweet moment intrinsically and intuitively. I know my heart was disappointed, but at the same time, my soul was assuring me that it’s all fine. I’ve been through worse.

Don’t surrender your loneliness so quickly,

Let it cut more deep.

Let it ferment and season you as few human or even divine ingredients can.

Something missing in my heart tonight has made my eyes so soft, my voice so tender,

my need of God absolutely clear.

– Hafiz.

Havoc

Had a terrible weekend, family fights.

Even until now, my mind is still dwelling on it.

My whole body has been tensed, my muscles knotted… the usual spots. My body is suffering because my emotions wreck havoc all the harmony and allignments.

I had a massage today, didn’t think I could last another day without it.

My heart is aching so much… from years and years of disappointment,,, of the person whom I have to call my father. There are worse fathers out there….. but really, when you become a parent, one should try to understand or at least learn just how much hurt and damage one can caused an innocent soul,,, who are made out of you,,,

One should be aware of one’s power as a parent, over the health of mental, emotional and thus physical well-being of one’s child…

And that the development of one’s child’s personality is greatly affected by one’s behaviour and relationship with each other.

Anyway,,, I  will purge my heart out more on this topic later.

I am so exhausted now. Work has been hectic too. I know I wasn’t  breathing properly today…. my breath was short and shallow,,, my whole being tensed.

Feeling blue and grey…..

Been praying for strength….. so far, so good. I am still alive, albeit, feeling defeated by fatigue and plaqued by aches and pain.