the full circle

I saw his face on the weekly newsletter and my mind started firing questions…

Is that really how he looks like? The face that I once adored…

My heart gave me strange sensations… As if it was having amnesia or a de javu… It wasn’t sure how to react… aches, pains and blues for a story has came to an end… glee, wonder and relief for an answer, for a chance to know what’s really going on in his life, for seeing his face for the last time; albeit still and captured in time.

He looks different though. He feels different to my soul. He wasn’t who I remembered him to be.

He always have an air of arrogance in him… The Alpha male. But, back then I can see and feel the light and airyness, the softness of his being and soul… In his smile, in his tone of voice.

But this picture of him… He has aged. There was no softness in his face even though he was smiling at the camera. Dare I say, there was darkness in his eyes even when he was smiling… and a glimpse of fear… Covered with a giant wall of arrogance and pride.
Has so much changed in the last few months?

Or has he always been this way?
It’s strange how the universe works. But I am slowly starting to trust its way.

The day before I saw his photograph on the newsletter, his name popped up in a conversation…

So I did facilitate a little bit, hoping to get a glimpse of news on him. And that I did.
He’s a dad now.

“Had a baby four weeks before the exams…”

Which made it just shy of two months old.

There was a show and tell of the newborn and daddy, but I didn’t join that.

“Yeah crazy. He’s an international mystery man…” were the words I heard to describe him. I listened from afar, trying not to look affected by the news.

What a choice of description; I thought.

International? Mystery?

Wonder what happen………
That afternoon I took a walk around the park… as I walk towards my favourite spot, I felt a release; a sense of guidance, an answer, an ending. I haven’t smiled the way I did that afternoon for along time….. it was the bittersweet realisation that I am forever guided… that whatever prayers I said to the universe, it will answer me.

Autumn once again…

Hollow;
the sound of her heart…
numb, dark, full of sorrow

Fists clenched
Body shaken
as she sobs and sobs
Forehead on the floor

Curse,,,
Never before would she say all those words with such convictions
This time, it seems only the most offensive words would ease some of the pain she’s held inside

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
FUCKING HELL.
NO…
She wasn’t cursing God.
She was cursing the agony of grief…
The agony of mourning

It is Hell, alright.
The autumn wind hits her face as she steps out
Bone aching cold air seeps through her layers of clothes
Her body heat dissipates, her warmth no more
Menacing grey clouds gather together, getting ready for a storm

They too will shed their tears

Brown sycamore leaf performs it’s last dance as early autumn dusk sets in
The Fall’s dance…
The leaf, like a stretched out hand twirling helplessly in the wind
lands on a puddle of rain
For one second, it sees the last reflection of itself in the water
lifeless, spent
There in the pool of water, it will rot and decay
Feeding the earth
All that it has left
Giving away til the last fragment of the leaf blade turn into dust

Magic dust in the fertile soil
That might one day
Ignite that light in her heart once more
Allowing her to see,
to remember,
All that was lost is still there
Spirit is always there
Even when she can no longer see the flesh or feel the embrace,
She can feel the light illuminating from within, holding her close…
Holding her right next to love, tenderness and grace
Even when there is no more flesh
She is held, alright.
She is held in the light, she is never let go.

In memory of Norm… Friday 21st April. Rest in bliss and peace.

No amount of proper goodbyes would be enough… but i am glad that we had a proper one, even though I was oblivious it would be the last goodbye.

really?

Suddenly my thoughts wander to seeing him smiling at me.

I don’t even remember the colour of his eyes…

Was it gray?

Was it light green?

I can’t be sure.

But I remember the way he smiles, with his whole jaw… and his wide lips… and then his eyes.

I don’t know why she reminded me so much of him…

The way she smiles reminded me of him…

And today when she came to visit and sat on the doctor’s desk next to me… and she was friendly to greet me and we had small talks… she mentioned about the exams that were taken last week…

And immediately a voice whispered to me;

See, so he’s still got exams. Maybe there’s still chance that I could hear back from him?

I was mortified, I felt weak and stupid hearing this thought… I mean, really? I mean… why, after all these times, does my desire continues to lean towards him? Doesn’t it get the message that it’s time to move on? The ship has sailed…

I am tired of feeling this way… of liking someone and then feeling disappointed and hurt and shameful that it didn’t work out the way I wanted to… and then it seems, I will just repeat the same cycle.

Is this truth?

What is truth? Do I like him still? Do I still wish he would at least say something? Am I silly for giving a go and made a fool of myself?

I am like that puppy… that is trapped on the other side of the fence… looking longingly and wishfully at something it cannot reach, yet it wants to know so badly.

Is this how it would be?

Will the wheel stops for me?

Or will I be forever spinning?

 

Let the room speaks

Oh dear, oh dear…

Look at that wrath

on your face

 

Full of judgement
You came in here with your hands on your hips, 
towering,
with your menacing eyes, scanning from corner to corner,
You try to pick on each furniture and decide their fate…
“The Tip!!!!!” 
 
Your lips won’t say it, but I hear all that your mind speaks
 
 
Look…
Soften that face now
Straighten your frown
My furnitures belong here, they are free to occupy my space
 
You resonate with them with so much fury, dear, because they remind you of the chunky, pointy, odd-shaped part of your life journey that make you feel out-of-place, isolated and ugly.
 
And a riddance of them, you think, to be replaced with something shiny, new and stylish… would put you back in a place of beauty.
 
But profound beauty is only discovered when you can extract the function that each serves
 
 
Chunky is strong,
Chunky protects you from storm,
Chunky keeps you standing still when the Northern Wind blows.
 
 
 
Look,
Soften that face now,
Straighten your frown,
 
 
The furnitures stay, 
they belong,
you belong,
we own our home.
 
 
 
Just some writing I’ve done recently which I’ve kept offline…
xx

that’s when courage gets its name

when you slow down to a crawl
when your breath slows to a hush
you feel the intensity of your pain
you hear the hollowing cries of your inner child
waiting for you to come closer
come closer
take a good look
at your own scars
Look! I’ve scarred, okay?!
Can’t you hear the screeching hurt of my inner voice?
Comfort me! Why don’t you comfort me now? 
Why do you keep walking away?
courage is the loving, selfless mother who would turn around at the slight cry of her child.
courage would run back and comfort her.
run back
and comfort her.

vessel, prayer

i am your vessel, my Beloved.

use me.

put your wisdom, clarity and abundance of love and light through me

so that they know that i’ve known you now

and i won’t be afraid.

 

because i know you will use me as your vessel…

because i know you will use me as your messenger…

and i will carry your delightful prayers and praise,

for all to hear,

 

so everyone hear…

Love, Love, Love.

 

i am Your vessel.

use me.

when ego puts into shame

Last night I caught up with one of my girlfriends… for reasons unknown to me, she ended up paying for both my dinner and dessert.

I’m not quite sure why she has done such a kind gesture. I am quite amazed by what has been happening in my life at the moment.

This month I have been stretched thinly in the finance department from having to pay my car registration and then car insurance, and then our family holiday to South Korea in May, my fundraising project and my writing course at the end of the month. All within 2 weeks apart.

This week there have been 2 etsy orders on my etsy shop, and then this surprise coming from my closest friend, S.

Is this what people say when they talk about how the universe will go around and try to bring you solutions whenever you share your intentions to the world?

 

On another note, after a few repeated questions on what’s been going on with my life… I was about to share T’s story. But opted otherwise,,, instead, I mentioned about a man who has been kind to me at work.

I told her,,,

“Well, there is this doc at work who has been delivering the consent right on my desk twice now… I found that to be quite odd. I mean why would he?”

Without any hesitation though, this pondering question of mine must have triggered something in her that she immediately asked how he looked like… implying whether I might see him as a potential love interest.

I told her that he looks of Asian descent and is very young, but I am really trying to get away from the Asian men at this moment because of my past relationship.

She then immediately asked for his name and quickly typed Search on Facebook and voilà~~~ she quickly showed me the first picture of this man smiling ear to ear in front of a belly of an almost expecting young mother. A very sweet picture as they both look very happy.

When she showed me this, I said:

“And yes,,, he is married too. ”

She continued clicking away on his facebook page while I kept on playing with my dessert… then said “Well, looks like this one is in a relationship.” before proceeded to put away her iPhone.

I don’t quite know why, but I was really bothered and bruised by her response and gesture. That she implied what my ego keeps on asking me; whether this man might have been doing this secondary to his interest in me…..

It was so wrong, of course.

My ego was at fault. And therefore, severely bruised and embarrassed.

His kind gesture was pure, kind and friendly.

For me to have receive this from a stranger, I must be grateful and proud. Proud because for one reason or another, he must have felt a connection with my work ethics that he really doesn’t mind going the extra mile; when he can, to give me the consent form….. as a few times it was missing…

So, yes, my dear ego… I do know what you wished for. Unfortunately, the truth is much much greater than that.

The truth is that the kind gestures are abundant. Kind gestures reflect love; love in the purest form, devoid of romance.

Be proud, my dear.