the full circle

I saw his face on the weekly newsletter and my mind started firing questions…

Is that really how he looks like? The face that I once adored…

My heart gave me strange sensations… As if it was having amnesia or a de javu… It wasn’t sure how to react… aches, pains and blues for a story has came to an end… glee, wonder and relief for an answer, for a chance to know what’s really going on in his life, for seeing his face for the last time; albeit still and captured in time.

He looks different though. He feels different to my soul. He wasn’t who I remembered him to be.

He always have an air of arrogance in him… The Alpha male. But, back then I can see and feel the light and airyness, the softness of his being and soul… In his smile, in his tone of voice.

But this picture of him… He has aged. There was no softness in his face even though he was smiling at the camera. Dare I say, there was darkness in his eyes even when he was smiling… and a glimpse of fear… Covered with a giant wall of arrogance and pride.
Has so much changed in the last few months?

Or has he always been this way?
It’s strange how the universe works. But I am slowly starting to trust its way.

The day before I saw his photograph on the newsletter, his name popped up in a conversation…

So I did facilitate a little bit, hoping to get a glimpse of news on him. And that I did.
He’s a dad now.

“Had a baby four weeks before the exams…”

Which made it just shy of two months old.

There was a show and tell of the newborn and daddy, but I didn’t join that.

“Yeah crazy. He’s an international mystery man…” were the words I heard to describe him. I listened from afar, trying not to look affected by the news.

What a choice of description; I thought.

International? Mystery?

Wonder what happen………
That afternoon I took a walk around the park… as I walk towards my favourite spot, I felt a release; a sense of guidance, an answer, an ending. I haven’t smiled the way I did that afternoon for along time….. it was the bittersweet realisation that I am forever guided… that whatever prayers I said to the universe, it will answer me.

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broken window

The tall mole guard crept up behind floppy-eared bunny and accused her;
“You’ve broken the stained glass window of our precious blue cart…who knows how many eggs were stolen!” 
Petrified, bunny tried to defend herself.
By this time, there is a commotion surrounding her. They gathered around the rental cart, showing her how devastating the damage was and how much this will cost her.
Exhausted and filled with fear, she knew the window was not broken when she came a few days ago to rent the cart.
But really, the broken window was not her fault.
She had returned to the parked cart after picking up more supplies at the Parisienne Chocolatier, when she found that someone had maliciously broke the window and stole the last of her speckled Easter egg, costing her at least four baskets of purple carrots!
This whole ordeal destroyed bunny.
She has lost so much.
All her energy spent, her body limp and she began to sob…
“ Why has a stream of bad luck followed me? “ she asked.
Feeling helpless, she found herself whispering a prayer…a plead…as she looked up the cloudy morning sky.
“ So… Show me how You would resolve this? “
The truth is that it wasn’t her fault and yet she is also not in any position to defend herself because all evidence are pointing at her; the damage was done while the cart was under her care.
They let her cry in the corner while the man owner of the Carrot Cart Rental was called to judge the situation.
As she waited and sobbed, she heard a different voice, a benevolent one:
“ Your only chance is the mercy and generosity of a human being… “
The human owner arrived to assess the damage of his cart.
The cart was quite precious; the stained glass windows were intricately designed by the local artist, there is no other cart like it in town. But the actual cart itself is worn and old fashion. The wheels wobble and creak with each turn.. this cart has already had its glory. It is now time to purchase a new model for the business.
The man turned to bunny…
Go home. Forget about this. Don’t worry about the cart. You can go.
       Mercy; when compassion touches a wise man’s heart.
With tears still streaming down her face, bunny bowed to the man owner, too speechless to thank him. As she slowly walked her path home, she felt a ray of light illuminating a tiny corner at the center of her chest – grace.

Let the room speaks

Oh dear, oh dear…

Look at that wrath

on your face

 

Full of judgement
You came in here with your hands on your hips, 
towering,
with your menacing eyes, scanning from corner to corner,
You try to pick on each furniture and decide their fate…
“The Tip!!!!!” 
 
Your lips won’t say it, but I hear all that your mind speaks
 
 
Look…
Soften that face now
Straighten your frown
My furnitures belong here, they are free to occupy my space
 
You resonate with them with so much fury, dear, because they remind you of the chunky, pointy, odd-shaped part of your life journey that make you feel out-of-place, isolated and ugly.
 
And a riddance of them, you think, to be replaced with something shiny, new and stylish… would put you back in a place of beauty.
 
But profound beauty is only discovered when you can extract the function that each serves
 
 
Chunky is strong,
Chunky protects you from storm,
Chunky keeps you standing still when the Northern Wind blows.
 
 
 
Look,
Soften that face now,
Straighten your frown,
 
 
The furnitures stay, 
they belong,
you belong,
we own our home.
 
 
 
Just some writing I’ve done recently which I’ve kept offline…
xx

that’s when courage gets its name

when you slow down to a crawl
when your breath slows to a hush
you feel the intensity of your pain
you hear the hollowing cries of your inner child
waiting for you to come closer
come closer
take a good look
at your own scars
Look! I’ve scarred, okay?!
Can’t you hear the screeching hurt of my inner voice?
Comfort me! Why don’t you comfort me now? 
Why do you keep walking away?
courage is the loving, selfless mother who would turn around at the slight cry of her child.
courage would run back and comfort her.
run back
and comfort her.

vessel, prayer

i am your vessel, my Beloved.

use me.

put your wisdom, clarity and abundance of love and light through me

so that they know that i’ve known you now

and i won’t be afraid.

 

because i know you will use me as your vessel…

because i know you will use me as your messenger…

and i will carry your delightful prayers and praise,

for all to hear,

 

so everyone hear…

Love, Love, Love.

 

i am Your vessel.

use me.

when ego puts into shame

Last night I caught up with one of my girlfriends… for reasons unknown to me, she ended up paying for both my dinner and dessert.

I’m not quite sure why she has done such a kind gesture. I am quite amazed by what has been happening in my life at the moment.

This month I have been stretched thinly in the finance department from having to pay my car registration and then car insurance, and then our family holiday to South Korea in May, my fundraising project and my writing course at the end of the month. All within 2 weeks apart.

This week there have been 2 etsy orders on my etsy shop, and then this surprise coming from my closest friend, S.

Is this what people say when they talk about how the universe will go around and try to bring you solutions whenever you share your intentions to the world?

 

On another note, after a few repeated questions on what’s been going on with my life… I was about to share T’s story. But opted otherwise,,, instead, I mentioned about a man who has been kind to me at work.

I told her,,,

“Well, there is this doc at work who has been delivering the consent right on my desk twice now… I found that to be quite odd. I mean why would he?”

Without any hesitation though, this pondering question of mine must have triggered something in her that she immediately asked how he looked like… implying whether I might see him as a potential love interest.

I told her that he looks of Asian descent and is very young, but I am really trying to get away from the Asian men at this moment because of my past relationship.

She then immediately asked for his name and quickly typed Search on Facebook and voilà~~~ she quickly showed me the first picture of this man smiling ear to ear in front of a belly of an almost expecting young mother. A very sweet picture as they both look very happy.

When she showed me this, I said:

“And yes,,, he is married too. ”

She continued clicking away on his facebook page while I kept on playing with my dessert… then said “Well, looks like this one is in a relationship.” before proceeded to put away her iPhone.

I don’t quite know why, but I was really bothered and bruised by her response and gesture. That she implied what my ego keeps on asking me; whether this man might have been doing this secondary to his interest in me…..

It was so wrong, of course.

My ego was at fault. And therefore, severely bruised and embarrassed.

His kind gesture was pure, kind and friendly.

For me to have receive this from a stranger, I must be grateful and proud. Proud because for one reason or another, he must have felt a connection with my work ethics that he really doesn’t mind going the extra mile; when he can, to give me the consent form….. as a few times it was missing…

So, yes, my dear ego… I do know what you wished for. Unfortunately, the truth is much much greater than that.

The truth is that the kind gestures are abundant. Kind gestures reflect love; love in the purest form, devoid of romance.

Be proud, my dear.