I’m not quite sure what is happening inside of me currently, but for the past 2 weeks, I’ve been feeling like a fraud.
I’ve really become extremely judgemental about myself.
Questioning my intentions on every single thing that I do, including but not pertaining to the fundraising.
I think, YES, I was greatly disappointed with the outcome. I had thought that more bags would be given away all at the same time, or that at least I would only be left with a third or something like that. But instead, I am left with three quarters of what I have… and I don’t really know where else I would go and look for support?
Even embarking on the first journey and fundraising the first time, I felt really bad and really small at times… because I am so not used to receiving help or asking for donations….
I dont know, really.
I need help. And a lot of courage and humility.
And time and energy to do it all.
Got to do it slowly of course, no matter how quickly I want it to be done and dusted… that’s not how it is going to be.
Show me your way.
I feel the need to write, but things keep getting in the way… nothing ends up written anywhere.
I made a silly decision today to wash my car… it was a sunny day, what would otherwise be a beautiful summer day for a lot of people… it was not for a Lupie like me.
Washing was alright. There was shade. But when I moved on to vaccumming the car, it got really hot… I was sweating because of my long sleeves outfit and hat for sun protection. It was only about 2.5 minutes… but obviously I couldn’t stand the heat…. I felt very sick from then on. Hot and feverish. My muscles are burning. Lethargy setting in.
I managed to drive a few suburbs away to get my haircut… but when I came back to my car I found someone had scratched my front bumper as they reversed out of their parking. Realizing this really made me feel like the day is just not going well at all… but I really don’t even have anymore energy to be angry or mad. I just secretly wished that it didn’t happen because there’s so much on my plate lately….
Luckily the driver left me a note. So it wasn’t hit and run… the husband picked up the phone when I called the number. It seems we might be able to arrange something…
I was lucky. I am lucky. I might be the luckiest girl alive.
I was still able to drive to my local grocer and picked a few essentials for next week… then safely arrived home.
It’s been exhausting for my body.
I need rest.
Let me rest…
Last night I caught up with one of my girlfriends… for reasons unknown to me, she ended up paying for both my dinner and dessert.
I’m not quite sure why she has done such a kind gesture. I am quite amazed by what has been happening in my life at the moment.
This month I have been stretched thinly in the finance department from having to pay my car registration and then car insurance, and then our family holiday to South Korea in May, my fundraising project and my writing course at the end of the month. All within 2 weeks apart.
This week there have been 2 etsy orders on my etsy shop, and then this surprise coming from my closest friend, S.
Is this what people say when they talk about how the universe will go around and try to bring you solutions whenever you share your intentions to the world?
On another note, after a few repeated questions on what’s been going on with my life… I was about to share T’s story. But opted otherwise,,, instead, I mentioned about a man who has been kind to me at work.
I told her,,,
“Well, there is this doc at work who has been delivering the consent right on my desk twice now… I found that to be quite odd. I mean why would he?”
Without any hesitation though, this pondering question of mine must have triggered something in her that she immediately asked how he looked like… implying whether I might see him as a potential love interest.
I told her that he looks of Asian descent and is very young, but I am really trying to get away from the Asian men at this moment because of my past relationship.
She then immediately asked for his name and quickly typed Search on Facebook and voilà~~~ she quickly showed me the first picture of this man smiling ear to ear in front of a belly of an almost expecting young mother. A very sweet picture as they both look very happy.
When she showed me this, I said:
“And yes,,, he is married too. ”
She continued clicking away on his facebook page while I kept on playing with my dessert… then said “Well, looks like this one is in a relationship.” before proceeded to put away her iPhone.
I don’t quite know why, but I was really bothered and bruised by her response and gesture. That she implied what my ego keeps on asking me; whether this man might have been doing this secondary to his interest in me…..
It was so wrong, of course.
My ego was at fault. And therefore, severely bruised and embarrassed.
His kind gesture was pure, kind and friendly.
For me to have receive this from a stranger, I must be grateful and proud. Proud because for one reason or another, he must have felt a connection with my work ethics that he really doesn’t mind going the extra mile; when he can, to give me the consent form….. as a few times it was missing…
So, yes, my dear ego… I do know what you wished for. Unfortunately, the truth is much much greater than that.
The truth is that the kind gestures are abundant. Kind gestures reflect love; love in the purest form, devoid of romance.
Be proud, my dear.
I am still struggling to decide whether to share my fundraising on my facebook page.
It just feel too bold,,, like everyone would start asking me questions and treating me differently. I don’t want that to happen… I just want to do this… to see this through…
I hope it could become an ongoing project that people who live with Lupus can benefit from.
If you think it is a good cause, could you please share this far and wide?
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
This little gem is now my sanctuary.
Friday afternoon, the sun was shining, though there was cool breeze softly brushing my hair.
I stood by the crossing and contemplated whether I should go straight home.
A moment of silence,,, but I heard the trees calling,,,
I wasn’t sure why, but on Friday… all the colours look so much more vivid to me. It wasn’t a crazy rush of bliss… It felt like a gentle peace radiating, immersing and pulsing softly from the sky, the air, the trees… through me.
I found a quiet, shady spot to sit and then I looked up and just admire the trees… the wind was ever so gently caressing the leaves,,, and you can hear this soothing swish-swish sound.
Many thoughts came to me… but I just listen to them and smile. Smile because it’s funny to hear all the judgements made… everything sounds too serious… but they are not me.
I saw a few little brown leaves started their flight down to earth… showing the first signs of autumn. The leaves’s dance show… it’s now their time to give back to the earth beneath… Nature’s cycle of life.
I started feeling the migraine as I walked back to my car… little did I know, it was going to turn into a violent one when I got home.
I tried to rest,,, hoping it will go away. But we were going out for dinner… so I braved it and took some Neurofen. It didn’t get better though… I should’ve stayed at home. We arrived at the restaurant but as soon as I sat down, I told my brother, we need to just get a take away, I am feeling really sick.
The moment I stepped out of the restaurant towards the car… my body couldn’t handle it anymore… I vomited then and there at the carpark…
Fuck you Lupus!!!
I think the sun sensitivy has started to get worse. Although it was quite a breezy and cool afternoon… I did get some heat from the sun as I walked back to my car… And I think that’s why the migraine started to get worse.
Anyway, felt shitty for ruining my family’s dinner plan… but Thank God for them,,, my family has been my anchor in dealing with Lupus.
Anyhow…. I live for another day!!! Woo-hoo!!!
Work has been insanely busy for me for the last 3 weeks. I am hoping that things will settle a little bit next week.
This week marked the end of a rotation. New training registrars will be starting from next week onwards.
There were a lot of goodbyes. Some of my favourite people are moving on elsewhere, overseas or interstate. I went to their farewell party after work yesterday. It was awkward for me. Too much social interactions and pressure for the introvert in me… but I made myself go. It was fine. The doctors bunched up together, so were the nurses and other staff members. Halfway through they tried to mingle, so I chatted a bit here and there with the different doctors. This introvert is in training to gain more social skills!!
Actually, I wasn’t the only awkward one there. And the fact that people do stick with their own comfortable group just means everyone has their own anxieties about crossing boundaries into different social circles.
I couldn’t hold my alcohol since I started on my lupus medications… I tried again last night, but after 3 sips of cider, I felt light headed already and started feeling warm… I had to drive back home alone after, so I decided to drink water for the rest of the night….
So,,, news about T is, I guess…
Au revoir mon amie…
I actually had met him briefly last week on my way out of work. But I had a destination in my mind, I was pacing quickly, had my headphones on, I was furious at my boss actually… and needed to walked out the emotions. So, we just acknowledged each other; I said a quick Hi and walked out. That was the last meeting…
I wanted to sort out all the surgical appointments for next week before Lou comes back to work, so the last two weeks, I have tried to ask T a few troubleshooting questions… which I did try again yesterday… It was his last day, I called him in the morning to ask if he has came to visit because the books were scattered, he said no. He sounded quite stressed out on the phone… and said he has been really busy so didn’t even get a chance to check the cases I’ve emailed him. Then asked me to just book any of the cases and he’d check it later.
I was struggling to pick a case for that list, but I managed to book one.
So, at the end of the day, I sent him a email.
He hasn’t replied my personal email in regards to our coffee catch-up since last time. His last email said he’ll get back to me about it.
I felt that it was my last chance to send him the email… so, anyway, I said what I wanted to say briefly at the end of the email.
I thanked him for the funny moments and wished him all the very best for the future. I did remind him about the catch-up; if he is still interested to let me know.
It hurts to finally say goodbye. I almost didn’t want to send the email out. I went on to do something else… but then I realize, there is nothing else I can do at this point… but SENT.
It was a bittersweet moment intrinsically and intuitively. I know my heart was disappointed, but at the same time, my soul was assuring me that it’s all fine. I’ve been through worse.
Don’t surrender your loneliness so quickly,
Let it cut more deep.
Let it ferment and season you as few human or even divine ingredients can.
Something missing in my heart tonight has made my eyes so soft, my voice so tender,
my need of God absolutely clear.