vessel, prayer

i am your vessel, my Beloved.

use me.

put your wisdom, clarity and abundance of love and light through me

so that they know that i’ve known you now

and i won’t be afraid.

 

because i know you will use me as your vessel…

because i know you will use me as your messenger…

and i will carry your delightful prayers and praise,

for all to hear,

 

so everyone hear…

Love, Love, Love.

 

i am Your vessel.

use me.

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overflow

I feel the need to write, but things keep getting in the way… nothing ends up written anywhere.

I made a silly decision today to wash my car… it was a sunny day, what would otherwise be a beautiful summer day for a lot of people… it was not for a Lupie like me.

Washing was alright. There was shade. But when I moved on to vaccumming the car, it got really hot… I was sweating because of my long sleeves outfit and hat for sun protection. It was only about 2.5 minutes… but obviously I couldn’t stand the heat…. I felt very sick from then on. Hot and feverish. My muscles are burning. Lethargy setting in.

I managed to drive a few suburbs away to get my haircut… but when I came back to my car I found someone had scratched my front bumper as they reversed out of their parking. Realizing this really made me feel like the day is just not going well at all… but I really don’t even have anymore energy to be angry or mad. I just secretly wished that it didn’t happen because there’s so much on my plate lately….

Luckily the driver left me a note. So it wasn’t hit and run… the husband picked up the phone when I called the number. It seems we might be able to arrange something…

I was lucky. I am lucky. I might be the luckiest girl alive.

I was still able to drive to my local grocer and picked a few essentials for next week… then safely arrived home.

It’s been exhausting for my body.

I need rest.

Let me rest…

when ego puts into shame

Last night I caught up with one of my girlfriends… for reasons unknown to me, she ended up paying for both my dinner and dessert.

I’m not quite sure why she has done such a kind gesture. I am quite amazed by what has been happening in my life at the moment.

This month I have been stretched thinly in the finance department from having to pay my car registration and then car insurance, and then our family holiday to South Korea in May, my fundraising project and my writing course at the end of the month. All within 2 weeks apart.

This week there have been 2 etsy orders on my etsy shop, and then this surprise coming from my closest friend, S.

Is this what people say when they talk about how the universe will go around and try to bring you solutions whenever you share your intentions to the world?

 

On another note, after a few repeated questions on what’s been going on with my life… I was about to share T’s story. But opted otherwise,,, instead, I mentioned about a man who has been kind to me at work.

I told her,,,

“Well, there is this doc at work who has been delivering the consent right on my desk twice now… I found that to be quite odd. I mean why would he?”

Without any hesitation though, this pondering question of mine must have triggered something in her that she immediately asked how he looked like… implying whether I might see him as a potential love interest.

I told her that he looks of Asian descent and is very young, but I am really trying to get away from the Asian men at this moment because of my past relationship.

She then immediately asked for his name and quickly typed Search on Facebook and voilà~~~ she quickly showed me the first picture of this man smiling ear to ear in front of a belly of an almost expecting young mother. A very sweet picture as they both look very happy.

When she showed me this, I said:

“And yes,,, he is married too. ”

She continued clicking away on his facebook page while I kept on playing with my dessert… then said “Well, looks like this one is in a relationship.” before proceeded to put away her iPhone.

I don’t quite know why, but I was really bothered and bruised by her response and gesture. That she implied what my ego keeps on asking me; whether this man might have been doing this secondary to his interest in me…..

It was so wrong, of course.

My ego was at fault. And therefore, severely bruised and embarrassed.

His kind gesture was pure, kind and friendly.

For me to have receive this from a stranger, I must be grateful and proud. Proud because for one reason or another, he must have felt a connection with my work ethics that he really doesn’t mind going the extra mile; when he can, to give me the consent form….. as a few times it was missing…

So, yes, my dear ego… I do know what you wished for. Unfortunately, the truth is much much greater than that.

The truth is that the kind gestures are abundant. Kind gestures reflect love; love in the purest form, devoid of romance.

Be proud, my dear.

 

 

Dream

I just woke up from a very vivid dream about T…..

He sent me a box full of trinkets and vintage collectible items in a wooden box that looks like an old wooden suitcase.

In the dream, I also learned that his father is Chinese? Which doesn’t make a lot of sense at all… and that he apparently celebrate Chinese New Year???

Sigh.

I wish I hadn’t dreamt about him.

My subconcious is really affecting me. It’s a far more serious case of crush than I thought it was…

 

Time.

I just need time to get over him.

 

Ugh…

So,,, about 3 weeks after the last email, He replied and apologized for being slack at the request for a meet-up.

The reply came as a shocked because I thought he was the type that would just smoothly sneaked under the radar and pretend nothing was ever asked and just forget about it.

Afterall, he no longer works at the same hospital and with having different profession, we are highly unlikely to ever be crossing each other’s path again.

So, it was a surprise that he did reply.

There was no intension to reschedule the coffee date though. Which is fine. I took the bite and it hurt, I moved on. Slowly.

It took me a few days, but I wrote back an extensive reply explaining all I ever wanted to say to him if we were ever to catch-up face to face.  It was something I  needed to say much more than anything else.

 

At the end of the email, I gave him my number and told him it was another way for him to reply. Somewhere in the story, I learned of his lack of typing skills, so I figured he probably hated replying emails. My last sentence though, I said, I’ve said all that I wanted to say, so let’s leave it at that.

 

Cheeky?

 

Haha. Very.

I never thought I would ever done that.

Anyway, I  was very happy with that comeback. Content with whatever outcome I will find out from that…..

But today walking home,,, I suddenly caught myself thinking about him and actually close my eyes and trying to see his face smiling at me; kindly, widely.

It’s a strange sensation.

 

Let go now…

It’s not about me. . .

I am still struggling to decide whether to share my fundraising on my facebook page.

It just feel too bold,,, like everyone would start asking me questions and treating me differently. I don’t want that to happen… I just want to do this… to see this through…

I hope it could become an ongoing project that people who live with Lupus can benefit from.

If you think it is a good cause, could you please share this far and wide?

Lupus Care Pack.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.